


Until the Stars Fall Apart

by groundedreamer



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Canon Trans Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, F/M, Fluff, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Introspection, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Sibling Bonding, THAT'S ALL I WANT, killua gets a chance to grow up and be happy, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-13 00:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 9,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18458057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groundedreamer/pseuds/groundedreamer
Summary: Killua's birthdays: Good, bad, and everything in-between. He always dreaded the date. It feels cursed, somehow, and he'd much rather it fly under the radar, or even be skipped altogether. But, as with some things in life, it turns out better than expected.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Playlist for fic](https://open.spotify.com/user/mrtrswlb6s336b8u81m9s1red/playlist/27pdt0NOlAGkkYcnoIRG56?si=z_ZT4zfOQYSSZCmRqA2SRw)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Because Killua would totally be a pop punk child.

_2._

The first birthday Killua could remember was his second. Everyone was gathered around the table. Zeno, Silva, Milluki, Gotoh, and even Maha. Milluki was watching as his mother put down a large piece of vanilla-frosted cake in front of him with glee. Killua eyes were wide. _All for him?_ he remembered thinking. He had attacked it immediately. But only seconds after he had licked the frosting clean off his fingers, his stomach cramped terribly. He remembered being bent over, vomiting again and again on the floor as his mother held him in her arms.

 _“It’s for the best_ ,” she crooned over and over, stroking his hair.


	2. Chapter 2

_3._

Killua looked up at Illumi with his large blue eyes. His brother had carried him out of Zoldyck estate in his arms into the city. The moon was high in the sky. Killua marveled at how bright his surroundings were though it was past midnight. 

“Look,” he said, showing Illumi the ghostly glow the moon gave to his arms. 

“Very good, Kil,” Illumi replied. His flat black eyes glimmered in the light. “It’s important to be aware of your surroundings.” Illumi stopped in the main square. He gently placed Killua on the ground. Killua automatically reached up to hold his hand. “Okay, Kil. Do you remember what Papa said?” Illumi asked, looking down at him. 

“Umm,” Killua said, thinking. “He had a surprise for me today, right?” A brief smile passed across Ilumi’s face. 

“That’s right,” he said. “You’re ready to start your new training.” Illumi crouched next to Killua, pointing at a man standing at the other end of the square. He leaned on the wall of a building, half in shadow. Killua had noticed he was there earlier, but had decided he wasn’t a threat, especially since Illumi would have noticed him first. 

“Oh, really?” Killua said, feeling excited. He was glad his father thought he was ready. Illumi crouched next to Killua.

“You are to follow that man without being caught,” he said. “If he catches you, he will kill you.” At his words, Killua suddenly felt a menacing aura from the man across the square. It was malevolent, touched with a twisted anticipation. A small knot of fear appeared in the pit of Killua’s stomach. “We will meet here in twelve hours. Don’t disappoint Papa, Kil.” At those words, Killua felt a sudden sense of determination. He wouldn’t disappoint his father, never. Killua clenched his small fist tightly. He nodded at Illumi. Illumi smiled faintly again at his expression and stood up. He snapped his fingers, the sound resounding loudly in the dead quiet of the night. The man leaning against the wall moved immediately, jumping onto the roof of the next building, and running away. 

Killua let go of Illumi’s hand and melted into the shadows behind him, mind already working on the best way to tail his target. As he crouched to spring onto the awning of the flower shop next to them, he heard Illumi say quietly: _“Happy Birthday, Kil.”_


	3. Chapter 3

_4._

By his fourth birthday, Killua was beginning to suspect that the whole affair was a hoax anyway. It was just an excuse for his mother to orchestrate another twisted “surprise” for him. Killua slinked around the house that day, staying in the shadows of the dimly lit hallways, hoping to stay out of sight of anyone else. His suspicions were confirmed when Milluki cornered him on his way to the kitchen. 

“Papa wants to see you in the second dungeon,” he said, black eyes glinting with maliciousness. “He has a _surprise_.” 

Killua rolled his eyes at Milluki’s air of drama. “Sure,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. “Lead the way.” 

Minutes later, Killua regretted even acknowledging it was his birthday. So far, it had only brought the worst surprises of his short life. 

“No,” he cried. Tears streamed down his face. The man kneeling in front of him trembled. His sunken eyes were hollow, haunted by the promise of death in the air. Killua took a step back, sneaker falling into a puddle of _something_. His eyes flicked from the man, the oppressive stone walls of the dungeon, to the liquid pooling around the man’s knees. “Oyaji,” Killua’s voice cracked. “I can’t—“

“Of course he can’t,” Milluki sniggered from the corner. “Hurry up, we don’t have all day, Kil.” Milluki’s small black eyes glanced hopefully at their father, who was standing at the entrance of the room. Silva ignored Milluki, however, his ice-blue eyes were focused on Killua. Killua looked up at Silva, anguished. Originally, it hadn’t seemed so hard. It was the perfect chance to try out his claws. Killua has been making small adjustments to them over the last two weeks, making them delicate and beautiful as a butterfly’s wing, but sharper than a butcher’s knife. Killua felt almost silly now, at the uninformed confidence with which he had walked into the room with. 

The man in front of him swayed, the stress of ambivalence too much, and fainted. He hit the floor with a thud. “Killua, come with me,” Silva said, turning to the door. Killua followed, obedient, a strange mix of relief and disappointment in his chest. Silva paused in the doorway. “Milluki,” he snapped. The door shut behind them and Killua winced. It would have been a better death had Killua been the one to do it. Milluki’s deaths were…messy. 

Killua followed Silva through the maze of the Zoldyck mansion until they reached Silva’s room. Silva sat on the couch, next to one of Mike’s brothers. The enormous dog lifted his head briefly as Killua passed him. Silva patted the cushion next to him. “Sit, Killua.”

“Oyaji, I’m sorry,” Killua burst out. “I don’t know what happened. I just—“ He clenched his hands into fists. That was a lie, he _did_ know. As soon as he had made eye contact, saw the despair, the instinctual hope for life, even as he faced certain death, Killua couldn’t bring himself to deal the final blow. Killua’s hands tightened into fists in his lap, half-sharpened claws drawing blood. 

“Killua,” Silva said again. His commanding voice filled the room. Pike’s snuffles stopped. “What are the rules we follow in this family?” 

“Family first, perfection through precision, don’t fight a fight you can’t win,” Killua recited immediately, the Zoldyck credo burned into his brain since infancy. 

“This is not an easy business. You do not have to enjoy what you do, but you must do it. There is pride in a job well done, do you understand?” Silva’s serious stare cut through Killua. He hung his head. 

“I’m sorry, Oyaji,” he said. “for disappointing you.” Silva’s large hand held Killua’s chin gently. Killua looked up at his father.

“Killua, you are my precious son. I will always be proud of you,” Silva said and Killua’s heart fluttered. “But you should not allow your emotions to get the better of you. Death is natural part of life and less cruel. It tortures only for a moment, whereas life continues its punishment until death.” He stared steadily at Killua. “We are just another part of life, Killua.” 

Killua nodded, but looked away, heart still pounding uncomfortably.


	4. Chapter 4

_8._

Killua returned, triumphant. After two grueling years, he had reached the 200th floor. Killua opened the first set of testing gates easily, striding through with confidence. 

“Welcome home, Killua-bocchan,” Zebro said, appearing behind him suddenly. He smiled at Killua warmly. “I see you can open the testing gate by yourself now. My, my, how you’ve grown.” 

“Yeah,” Killua said. He pointed at himself with his thumb. “I got to the 200th floor at the heaven’s gate arena.”

“A full year before Illumi-sama,” Zebro said nodding along. 

“Well, it wasn’t too hard,” Killua said loftily, turning his head. Zebro seemed to sense that he was lying, but kept silent. Killua looked at him from the corner of his eye. “I bought all the chocolate they had. Do you want some?” 

“I’d be happy to accept anything Killua-bocchan gives me.” 

Killua grinned, putting his hands in his pockets to pull out a few chocorobo-kun boxes. He handed them to Zebro. “See, this one’s a special one. You only get him if you’ve collected all of them. _I_ already have one, so I’ll give this one to you.” He looked up at Zebro to make sure he understood what a magnanimous act this was. Zebro was still smiling, nodding along. 

“That’s very kind of you, thank you bocchan. I’ll keep it at the desk so everyone can see it.” 

Killua smiled again before waving goodbye and continuing the climb up Kukuroo Mountain. As soon as Killua entered the inner grounds, he felt Illumi’s presence behind him. He froze, unsure of how Illumi wanted him to react. The presence didn’t feel like his brother’s. It felt different: colder, angrier, _bloodthirsty_. Killua immediately jumped into the nearest tree, eyes and ears wide open, heart thudding. As soon as he felt it, it vanished or was repressed, replaced with his brother’s normal aura. Killua stayed where he was, scared not of the anger, but the sudden absence of it. 

“Kil, what are you doing up there? Come down.” Illumi was standing underneath the tree Killua was hiding under. His hair was longer than when Killua had seen him last. His skin was, if possible, paler than two years ago. He wore a casual jacket and jeans. _A day off_ , Killua thought. He didn’t immediately move, still wary. 

“Kil, we missed you. What are you doing wasting time up there?” Killua looked at Illumi through narrowed eyes and slowly climbed down. Illumi put his hand on Killua’s shoulder in greeting and Killua almost threw it off. It felt wrong. His brother’s touch was heavy, possessive, a vice around him. Suddenly, Killua felt a sense of deep dread, foreboding that seemed to reach out through the years to fill his throat. Illumi squeezed his shoulder, looking down at him. 

“Let’s go home, Kil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Illumi got twisted somehow somewhere (not to say he wasn't an abusive prick the entire time), but the whole trying to control Killua thing started somewhere. His natural ruthlessness turned into true darkness somewhere along the line. Just wanted to explore a snippet of it.


	5. Chapter 5

_9_

“She’s not dangerous,” Killua yelled, holding Alluka in his arms. Alluka flopped, listless. Killua felt his heart beat harder at the lifeless look in her blue eyes. “What did you do to her?” he yelled, rounding on his father. 

Silva was calm, his cold eyes looking from Alluka to Killua. “Nothing,” he said. “We merely gave her a sedative to keep her calm.” 

“It’s harmless, Kil,” Illumi added from behind their father. “She’ll wake up soon enough.” 

“You what?” Killua said, voice now quiet with rage. He looked at Alluka again. “There was no need to do that. If you just took the time to _understand_ —“ Killua’s voice cracked. He looked up at Silva pleadingly. 

“Oyaji, please. She’s not dangerous. You can’t keep her locked up like this.” 

“Onii-chan?” Alluka asked suddenly, weak and tired. Everyone in the room froze. Alluka’s eyelids fluttered over hazy blue eyes. Her pupils were dilated, unfocused. Killua immediately held her tighter. 

“Alluka, it’s onii-chan. Are you okay?” Before Alluka could answer, she was being lifted out of Killua’s arms by Illumi. “No,” he cried, leaping up after him, but Silva caught him around the middle. “No, Alluka,” Killua screamed. He wrestled against Silva’s grip, desperate as he watched Illumi disappear behind locked gates. 

“No!” 

That night, Killua had nightmares. Nightmares of his father and Illumi leaning over him, determined and sinister. Illumi raised his arm, something silver flashed in the air above him and Killua felt pain slice his head in half. He screamed and screamed until he passed out. 

When he awoke, he felt nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

_13._

 

_“Do you have fun when we’re together? Then let’s stick together! We can see the whole world, you and me!”_

 

Killua watched Gon as he walked ahead of him in the dark. The other boy’s steps were sure, even in near darkness. He stepped around tree roots and over uneven ground deftly. Usually, Killua would walk ahead of his companions, trusting himself—and only himself—to quickly and expertly find the best path. As his foot fell on the patch of dirt Gon’s had just left, a sudden swell of emotion rose inside of him. It fell and crashed through his body like the waves crashing to shore in the distance. In that instant, he knew, that he would continue to follow in Gon’s footsteps, even if it destroyed him in the process.


	7. Chapter 7

_14_

 

Gon opened his hand to reveal a single chocorobo-kun box. 

“I’m sorry, it’s not much,” he said sheepishly. “There’s been so much happening, but I didn’t want Killua to think I forgot his birthday.” 

Killua stared at the small box full of his favorite chocolate being offered so unassumingly. His throat started to feel tight. 

“It’s—it’s fine,” he said voice cracking. Killua closed his hand around it and tucked it into his pocket. “Thanks.” 

Gon smiled, full of relief. “Do you want to watch a movie?” he asked. “The new Zillagod movie’s out and it looks like fun!” 

Killua smiled, hand tightening around the box in his pocket. 

“Sure.”


	8. Chapter 8

_15._

A small, misshapen chocolate cake sat in front of him. It read: _Happy Birthday Onii-chan/Killua_. The frosting was shaky, even shakier where Nanika had painstakingly wrote Killua’s name. A single candle was lit, leaning dangerously and dripped wax onto the frosting. Alluka sat in front of him, hands clasped and smiling. 

“Make a wish onii-chan,” she said. 

“Wish, wish, Killua,” Nanika added. 

Killua leaned forward to blow out the candle, but his mind was blank. They were sitting in a dingy hotel, running for their lives from their murderous older brother, and Alluka had made a cake with a toaster oven, but Killua had never been happier. What could he wish for?

He closed his eyes and saw golden eyes and a honey-sweet smile. Killua shook his head and opened his eyes. He pulled Alluka and Nanika into his lap, holding them close. 

“I already have everything I want,” he said. “You make a wish.”


	9. Chapter 9

_16._

 

Killua held his hands up, blushing furiously. 

“He’d love to,” Alluka said to the teenager in front of them. 

“Uh—uhm—,” Killua stuttered something furious. He grabbed the back of Alluka’s dress to steady himself. The boy she was talking to smirked at Killua over her head and _winked_. He seemed nice enough, but how could Killua possibly leave Alluka to go on a date? “Alluka, I—I don’t think—“ 

“Onii-chan, don’t worry about it,” she said, holding up a hand in front of his face. Killua blinked at her in surprise. _When had she become so bossy?_ “I’ll stay with Bisky today. She’d be more than happy to watch me.” 

The boy—Hayato—smiled at Killua. “What do you think?” he asked easily, putting his hands in his pockets. The slight blush on his cheeks told Killua that he was more nervous than he was letting on. 

“Uh,” Killua looked at Alluka again who was nodding eagerly. He calculated the logistics in his head quickly. When they didn’t result in certain death, he took a deep breath. “Sure.” Alluka yelled in delight and clapped her hands. 

“Yay,” she said. “Onii-chan will meet you back here at seven!” 

“Uhh, okay,” Hayato said. He gave the fruit stand attendant a handful of coins. “Thanks, I’ll see you later, Killua.” His face softened as he said Killua’s name and Killua turned beet red. After Hayato walked away, he buried his face in his hands. 

“Alluka, why? I don’t want to go on a date.”

“Why not, onii-chan?” She had her hands on her hips. “All you do is hang around us all day and nag. You need to go out more.” 

Killua’s mouth fell open. “Ex—excuse me?” He asked. “Hanging around? You ungrateful brat. Why do you think I do what I do?” Killua was getting ready to go on a righteous tirade, but saw the mischevious glint in Alluka’s eyes. He flicked her hard on the forehead. “That’s what you get for insulting your precious older brother.” 

Alluka made face, rubbing the red spot in her forehead. She ran after him as he walked back to their hotel room. 

“But onii-chan, going on a date would be fun. He looks really nice and--and I don’t want you to miss out because of me.” Alluka said this quietly, looking at the ground. Killua’s eyes widened and he stopped in his tracks. 

“Alluka,” he said, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her so she was facing him. The sound of the crowded street faded away. “I got to see the most amazing things in the last two years because of you. I’m having so much fun. Onii-chan has never been so happy, I promise.” He crouched so he could meet her eyes. “Okay?”

She continued to look away, biting her lips. Suddenly, she burst out: “Then why do you look so sad all the time? I know I had some…problems as a kid, but I’m not dumb!” Her eyes were shining, lower lip trembling. Killua’s face fell. He hadn’t realized he let his feelings show that much. He sighed and pulled her to a bench near the edge of the sidewalk. Alluka followed, looking nervous. Killua smiled at her, proud of how insightful she was. He her hand in his. He paused, unsure of how much to tell her.

“Onii-chan is…happy,” he began. Alluka looked as if she was going to argue, but he squeezed her hand to tell her that he wasn’t finished. “But there are some things that Onii-Chan is still sad about. But those have _nothing_ to do with you,” Killua said emphatically. “It is not your job to fix them. Onii-chan just needs time.” Killua pursed his lips. There, he had explained without explaining.

“We just want to help,” Alluka said, earnest blue eyes wide. Killua could almost hear Nanika’s soft voice echoing her, _“help, help”_.

Killua smiled, struck again by how lucky he was to have such a wonderful and loving sisters. “You are helping,” he said, stroking her thick hair. “By being best sisters ever.” Alluka rolled her eyes, but giggled happily. They lapsed into silence, Killua with his hand in her hair and Alluka thinking hard over Killua’s words. 

“Whatever,” she said, breaking the silence. She stood up with new purpose, hands on her hips. “Let’s go tell Bisky that you’ve got a date! I bet she’ll want to give you a makeover!” Killua groaned, dreading the kind of makeover Bisky would give him. He could count on too much eyeliner and dangerously low v-necks. Killua reluctantly followed her off the bench and back to Bisky’s apartment. 

“Besides,” Alluka said, skipping lightly down the street. “Once Gon comes back, I’m sure you’ll smile even more!” She threw him an innocent smile over her shoulder. 

Killua tripped and almost fell flat on his face.


	10. Chapter 10

_17._

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KILLUA EVEN THOUGH HE’S NOT HERE,” Leorio roared to the crowd. Killua pulled his baseball cap lower over his face. _Damn Leorio and his drinking. He’d blow his whole cover._ Leorio leaned down and whispered way too close to Killua’s face. The strong smell of alcohol washed over Killua. He wrinkled his nose. “Did you hear that, Killua? Happy birthday.” 

“Yeah, and so did the entire city. Thanks, asshole,” he said, rolling his eyes. Leorio pouted and leaned even closer to Killua, who took a step back.

“You could at least congratulate me on graduating med school. I worked so hard,” he whined. Leorio took another swig of his drink and straightened up. “FUCK YEAH,” he yelled. Many of his classmates looked around and echoed his call, raising their drinks to the sky. Killua huffed a laugh. 

“Congratulations, Leorio.” Before Leorio could react, Killua gave him a swift hug. He was almost as tall as Leorio now and he rested his chin on Leorio’s shoulder, enjoying his wild, familiar warmth. He was already walking away as Leorio grasped at empty air, tears in his eyes. He pulled his baseball cap low over his face, trying to hide his smile. Killua spotted Kurapika standing at the edge of the crowd, phone in his hand. 

“Put the phone down,” he said, leaning against the railing and nudging Kurapika with his shoulder. “It’s your night off, even Leorio’s letting loose,” Killua jerked his head towards the jubilant man now climbing on top of the bar. 

Kurapika pursed his lips, eyes flicking up from his phone. “Yes, it’s very unbefitting a member of the zodiacs.” 

Killua laughed and shrugged. He leaned against the balcony railing next to Kurapika. “That’s what got him on the council in the first place, right? Talking about masturbation and punching people?” Kurapika’s lips twitched, but he slipped his phone back into his back pocket. It had been years since Killua had seen Kurapika in person. It was different from hearing a static-filled voice over a bad internet connection. in person, he had an interesting ability to create a pocket of calm and tranquility around his person. Killua took a deep breath and subtly shifted closer to him. 

Out of everyone in their little group, Killua had always felt most distant from Kurapika, almost wary. Even so, he also felt as though Kurapika understood him the best. There had always been an unspoken understanding between them: do what must be done— _no matter what._

Though, Killua thought, eyeing the haggard expression barely hidden on Kurapika’s face, _Kurapika might have fallen further down that road than advisable._ A loud cheer came from the other side of the room and they both turned to look at Leorio waving his hands cheekily to placate the raucous crowd. Someone handed him a shot glass filled to the brim. Killua chuckled and turned to share his amusement with Kurapika. Kurapika was unaware—or maybe too tired to disguise—how plainly his gray eyes followed the line of Leorio’s throat as he took the shot.

Killua bit his lip, suddenly uncomfortable, and turned to drape his arms over the railing. The whole city of York New was spread underneath him, glittering like a handful of jewels scattered across the night sky. He breathed in deeply.

“How are your sisters?” Kurapika asked, evidently back to the present. 

“They’re great,” he said, smiling. “They want to start school, so I’m looking at a couple of different places,” he said. “Nobody realizes how much trouble I have to go through to make that happen, though.” Killua wanted to sound annoyed, but nothing gave him more joy than his sisters asking for what they wanted. 

Kurapika was giving him a knowing smile. He turned to look at the city as well. “Sounds like a handful.” 

“Yeah,” Killua said. “But I don’t mind. As long as they’re happy.” 

“Mmm, and what about you, are you happy?” 

_No._

The thought came before he could stop it. Killua shook it off internally. “I’m happy enough,” he said. 

“Mm.” 

Silence fell between them. Kurapika leaned against the railing next to Killua, arms folded and quiet. Killua looked at the winding traffic sixty-five floors below. The line of cars moved through the street like grains of sand in an hourglass. He wondered what the lives of the people down below were like. Were they happy? Were they going home after a long day at work, ready to fall asleep, safe and warm? Faint honking drifted up to them. Someone was yelling obscenities, their vigor muted by alcohol. Everything seemed very lonely all of a sudden. 

“I feel so alone.”

Killua's mouth moved of its own accord. The words slipped out, as if they were just a passing comment. Kurapika shifted subtly next to him. Killua sighed, knowing there was no reason to pretend, and let go of all pretense. He looked over at Kurapika, meeting his serious gray eyes. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said. “Alluka’s growing up and I don’t know if I’m making the right choices. I’m—I’m all she’s got. I don’t want to do anything to fuck her up.” Killua laughed, hollow, after he said this. “More than she’s already been fucked up.” 

Kurapika didn’t say anything, but Killua saw the frown at the edge of lips form as he finished talking. 

“I just—I’m not good at this stuff,” Killua said. “It's like I have to be her dad and her brother and make sure we aren't caught and locked up by Illumi. I don’t want to mess up.” 

“i have to disagree,” Kurapika said after a moment of contemplation. “I think you’ve done extraordinarily well, considering the circumstances.” Kurapika put his hand on Killua’s shoulder. “You’re a remarkable person, Killua. I’ve never met someone with such strength and integrity. If you’re making a choice, I’m sure you’ve thought about it a hundred times. Your past doesn’t disqualify you from making good choices. I think you should stop holding yourself to such unrealistic standards.”

A rush of heat swept through Killua and he felt his cheeks burn. He shrugged Kurapika’s hand off his shoulder and turned away. “I—you—what are you saying—“

Kurapika put his hand back on Killua’s shoulder. He squeezed it softly, asking for Killua’s attention. “As smart, talented, and capable as you are, you do not have to do it alone. We are always here for you. You are not alone,” Kurapika repeated firmly. 

Killua’s throat was tight. He swallowed thickly and tried to say something, but nothing came out. He sniffed loudly and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Kurapika smiled and took out a handkerchief from his suit pocket to hand to Killua. 

“Thanks,” Killua said. He bumped his shoulder into Kurapika. “Same goes for you, you giant hypocrite.” 

As he said this, there was a great commotion behind them. They turned simultaneously to see Leorio crashing through the balcony furniture to get to them. 

“What are you guys doing here?” he yelled, seemingly unaware that there was only a foot of space between them. 

Kurapika flinched at his volume and gave Leorio a very unimpressed once over. “Having a pleasant and _sober_ conversation.” Leorio laughed too loudly at that and flung himself across the remaining space between them. Kurapika and Killua both grunted as they caught his full weight. 

“I’m so happy,” Leorio said. “My favorite people in one place.” His face scrunched up and his eyes filled with tears. He grabbed Killua’s face in his hand, fingers digging into his cheeks. “Look at you, so grown-up, so responsible. I did it. I fathered the _shit_ out of you.” 

Killua snorted, slapping his hand away. “You didn’t do shit,” he said, giving him a look, but he was smiling. Kurapika’s delicate laugh came from his other side. Leorio looked up with dazed eyes and started crying harder. 

“Wow,” was all he managed to say. Killua couldn’t help it, he started laughing. He clutched at his stomach with his free arm and Kurapika joined in. Killua was warm all over. The loneliness he felt just moments ago had been washed away by the warmth of his friends—his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this chapter. It was so great to have Killua and Kurapika connect. I also love angsty teen Killua who's growing more mature, but not quite there yet. Leorio is so much fun to write, though whether he's true to character remains debatable.


	11. Chapter 11

_18._

Killua’s hands were shaking. He curled them into fists, nails digging into his skin. A light touch to his cheek made him flinch. He reacted in an instant. Killua grabbed the offending hand and twisted his arm behind his back, pushing him against the wall.

“Don’t fucking touch me, Gon.” Killua’s voice was soft, dangerous. He glared at Gon. Gon’s face was pushed painfully into the brick of the alleyway, neck twisted at an awkward angle. His forearm flexed in Killua’s grip, testing its strength. Killua shook his head in disgust and pushed Gon away. He wasn’t going to fight him. They both knew that.

“Why the fuck are you here, Gon?”

Gon didn’t answer immediately. He shook out his wrists, but his shoulders remained tense. Killua couldn’t see his eyes. He seemed to be weighing his options, calculating the best path forward. After a few moments of tense silence, Gon cleared his throat and looked up at Killua.

Gon was taller, stronger, sharper, but his eyes were still the same. Liquid gold in the semi-darkness, they still asked Killua for things he could not give.

“Killua,” Gon’s voice was strained. “Listen to me, I’m sorry—”

Killua snapped.

“YOU’RE SORRY?” he roared. Gon flinched as Killua’s voice reverberated a hundred times in the small alleyway. The most painful two years of his life came rushing back. “I was ready to _die_ for you, Gon! And you threw me away like garbage!”

Gon opened his mouth, to protest Killua was sure, but something inside Killua had burst. Like a poorly patched dam finally succumbing to the inevitable, Killua’s rage and grief poured out of him. He was not going to let Gon interrupt him. Killua took a step towards Gon, who impressively, did not move. “I _destroyed_ my hands for you. All because you said _‘it can only be Killua’_.” Killua’s voice was mocking, bitter. His words were split and refracted by the alley walls until just the pain of them was left, almost mocking Killua in its intensity. His aura crackled, throwing blue sparks across the cobblestones.

“I followed you to the end of the world and what did you say? _This has nothing to do with you_.” Killua looked away from Gon’s face in disgust. “Fuck you,” Killua spat, breathing hard. His heart was pounding so hard, Killua thought he might faint. His throat burned. “Fuck. You.”

Killua turned on his heel, but only made it to the end of the alley before sinking to his knees, clutching his head in his hands. His breath was coming in sharp gasps. As if he was an impassive bystander, he realized he had lost control of his body. Tears welled up in Killua’s eyes and he pressed his palms into his burning eyes, hoping to hold them back.

He felt Gon’s touch, barely there on his shoulder. Killua let out a shuddering breath.

“Why didn’t you let me help you? Why couldn’t we have done it together?” The words slipped out of Killua before he could stop himself. He was that little boy in the hospital room, keeping watch over his best friend’s lifeless body. He lowered his hands from his face in defeat.

“Why did you leave me alone?”

Gon’s face was somber, a deep sadness in his eyes. He sat down next to Killua. Wordlessly, he took Killua’s hand in his own, turning it over in his. There were new scars there. Scars that Gon didn’t know the stories to.

“I carried your body back to the hospital,” Killua croaked. Four years later, he still woke up in a cold sweat, unable to forget the feeling of Gon’s withered, dead hand in his. “I thought you were dead,” he said. The older Killua became, the more he realized how messed up it was, the angrier he became. Gon still hadn’t said a word.

“But you get to forget,” Killua said, voice bitter again. “You don’t have to remember how it fucking—“

“I remember,” Gon said softly. Killua stared at him. Gon’s face was half in shadow, but the intensity of his gaze could pierce even total darkness. “Not at first, but it came back to me. I’d see it in my dreams.” He smiled sadly at Killua. “I think my nen wanted me—needed me—to know.”

Killua just stared at him, eyes wide. There was nothing he could say to that. Gon took his silence as a chance to speak.

“Killua, there’s nothing I could say to make up for what I did to you. I—I had a lot of time to think about it and I treated you the worst, because I thought _‘Killua’s strong’, ‘Killua’s smart, he’ll understand’_. Which I realize now isn’t true. Not that—“ Gon waved his hands in front of him quickly. “Not that Killua isn’t strong and smart, just that Killua has a limit too. And I took advantage of it.”

“I’m sorry. You are the most important person to me and I hurt you the most.”

Killua pulled his hand from Gon’s grasp and covered his ears. It was too easy to fall for Gon’s guile. Killua’s chest was tight. All the times he had run this scenario in his head, all the things he had screamed at Gon, all the times he had walked away, didn't matter anymore.

Killua shook his head. He was being torn in two. “I can’t—I can’t trust you.”

“I know,” Gon’s voice cracked, and for the first time, he sounded as broken as Killua felt. Gon reached out to take Killua's hands and brought them to his face. He closed his eyes and pressed Killua's fingers to his lips. Killua's hands twitched, unsure of what to do. He watched Gon slowly open his eyes again and give him a small smile. He shifted closer and rested his head against Killua's shoulder, still holding his hands. Killua closed his eyes. Gon’s warmth was still the same: comforting and wild. They sat in silence, watching the moonlight creep across the cobblestone. Sudden warmth bloomed across his collarbone. Killua touched it with his fingers and they came back wet. It was with total shock that Killua then realized that Gon was crying.

“I’ll wait, Killua, as long as it takes,” he said, turning his face so it fit into the space where his neck met his shoulder. Gon's tears were warm and alarming on his skin. Killua stared at their joined hands, thinking.

"Okay," he said.

They sat there for a long time, talking together and crying together. They mourned for the children they were and speculated about the adults they were growing into. As the sky lightened, Killua stood up, holding his hand out to Gon. Gon took it, smile brighter than the morning sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I forgot that I was writing the birthday thing. I just really wanted to write an angsty reunion scene. Listen, it needs to happen.


	12. Chapter 12

_19._

Killua and Gon flopped back onto his bed, exhausted by the day’s festivities. Killua yawned and stretched, too tired to fight the smile on his face. His nineteenth birthday had been a smash hit. Happiness and excitement buzzed through Killua and the air around them sparked. 

“Oww, Killua,” came Gon’s sleepy voice. “That hurts.” Killua grinned and pressed his sparking fingers to the exposed skin between Gon’s shirt and shorts. Gon squirmed and raised himself on his elbows to glare at Killua. The happiness in Gon’s eyes made it ineffectual. He leaned forward to kiss the closest part of Killua he could reach without moving. “Happy birthday, Killua.” 

Killua put his hand in Gon’s hair. “Thanks,” he said, stroking his hair gently. Gon closed his eyes and smiled. Killua could almost see a tail wagging behind him. He huffed a laugh and scratched the spot he knew Gon liked best. 

“Hey, Killua, can I give you your birthday present?” Gon asked, opening his eyes. 

“Huh? You already gave me my present,” Killua said. The memory of all his friends eagerly gathering around him as he opened a simple card came rushing back. An all expense paid trip around the world in the new premier line of airships (including unlimited access to Killua’s favorite dessert Hunter’s new restaurant). Killua had stuttered as the tickets fell out onto the table. “I—I don’t need this.” He looked around at everyone’s beaming faces. 

“Kid, you need a vacation,” Morel had said. “You’ve got more gray hair than I do.” 

Killua held the three tickets in disbelieving fingers. “Th—thanks, but who’s the third ticket for?” 

“That’s for me!” Gon said cheerfully. “You, Alluka, and me!” 

“A family vacation,” Leorio said from behind Melody, smirking. Killua’s face turned red immediately. 

“Your other present.” Gon’s voice interrupted Killua’s recollections. He was looking at Killua mischeviously. 

“Uhh—oh,” Killua said suddenly as Gon’s eyes turned dark and his fingers lightly brushed the waistband of Killua’s jeans. “Umm—“ he said, brain short-circuiting. He grasped at Gon’s other hand, the one currently not making dizzying circles on his bare skin. 

“I have something I want to show you, Killua,” Gon said softly. He pressed a gentle kiss to Killua’s stomach, fingers simultaneously sneaking underneath his waistband. Killua gasped involuntarily as Gon curled his fingers. His heart was thudding inside his chest. 

“I was talking to the aunties last week at the market and—“

“I’m sorry, what?” Killua asked, abruptly returning to the present. He propped himself up on his elbows to look at Gon. Gon was in the process of unbuttoning Killua’s jeans. He smiled. 

“I _said_ , I was talking to the aunties at the market about what else I should do for your birthday, since, you know, I already bought your present. I wanted to do something else. Aaand they gave me some tips.”

“Tips,” Killua echoed. He looked up at the ceiling and at the heavens beyond. Why was Gon like this? “Gon,” he groaned and rolled over, pushing his face into the pillows. “I don’t want your old lady friend advice on how to have sex.” 

“Ehh? But Killua,” Gon put his hands on Killua’s shoulder and shook him. “They were really good. Stuff I wouldn’t have even thought about!” 

Killua’s face was burning and he shook his head, covering his ears. “Gross, Gon,” he said, voice muffled. “I can’t even believe you, why the fuck would you even talk to them about that stuff?” Killua could easily imagine Gon sitting in a circle with the aunties, eyes wide as they explained unspeakable things to him. 

“They were just trying to help, Killua,” Gon said, now sounding sad. “They wanted to make sure you had a birthday to remember.” Oh, Killua was definitely going to remember this, just not for the reasons Gon wanted. 

“Killua,” Gon said, whine now evident in his voice. “I don’t have any experience in this stuff. I want to make sure it’s good for you.” _Damnit_. Killua flopped over, catching Gon’s hand in his. 

“Of course it’ll be good, dummy,” he said. Killua looked at Gon’s serious expression, the childish pout on his lips, even though they weren’t children anymore. His heart flip-flopped in his chest. “If it’s you, it’ll always be good. Even if it’s not,” he amended, remembering how Gon had accidentally kneed him in the crotch and poked him in the eye the first time. 

Gon frowned. “Killua—“ he began, but Killua cut him off by putting his hand on Gon’s cheek. 

“Gon, don’t be so worried about it. No one’s good when they start. It just takes time. And I don’t care, I already said, as long as it’s you.” 

Gon’s smile came back in full force. “But soon I’ll be the best, right?” 

Killua rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you’ll be the best, dumbass.” Gon grinned and leaned down to kiss Killua. Killua slid his hands into Gon’s hair and pulled him closer, turning the sweet kiss into something more. A small groan slipped through Gon’s lips. Killua smiled as Gon quickly clambered on top of him, eagerly pressing their hips together. Killua sighed against Gon’s mouth, holding firm onto his hips. Gon broke the kiss abruptly and Killua blinked at the overhead light, dazed. 

“Gon—?” Gon only pressed his fingers to Killua’s lips and shook his head. He moved further down, and after giving Killua a cheeky wink at his confused expression, pressed a single open-mouthed kiss to the skin at Killua’s hip. His warm tongue licked at Killua’s skin and Killua’s head fell back on the pillows. _Oh._

_Fuck._

Killua closed his eyes as Gon unzipped his jeans, kissing lower and lower. Killua let out a shuddering sigh. Fuck. 

Almost too soon, it seemed, Killua lay gasping, heart galloping in his chest as Gon flopped down next to him, grinning. 

“Was it good?” Gon asked, smirk evident in his voice. _What a fucking asshole_ , Killua thought, equally fond and exasperated. He put a hand to his beating chest. 

“Of course it was, you little shit.” 

_Looks like those grandmas did know a thing or two._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon that Killua becomes a gourmet hunter and Menchi becomes his mentor. Why not, right?
> 
> Also I don't use 'hag' to much to describe people, but it seems so Killua.

_24._

Menchi hit Killua on the back of the head. 

“Ouch,” he said, grumbling. “You don’t have to hit me, you old hag.” This earned him another sharp rap to the head.

“Again,” she commanded, unsympathetic to Killua’s pain. He raised his eyes to the heavens before bending over the tray of petit fours he was working on. He piped a small dollop of icing onto a raspberry eclair. Killua bit his tongue as he tried to replicate with exact precision the flick of the wrist he used to decorate the previous one. Of course, Zoldyck grace and precision wasn't just for murdering people. Menchi didn’t hit him with her spatula as he finished, so he considered it a passable attempt.

He dropped the piping back on the counter and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He flexed his fingers, trying to relieve the tension in them. 

Menchi looked pleased with his work. She clapped her hands together. “Are we ready?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Killua said. He let out a small breath. The sheer number of desserts surrounding him was intimidating. They were piled high on towering racks, trays teetered on packed counters, threatening to spill over with one wrong move. The air was thick with the smell of sugar and warm pastries. Killua wasn’t sure the last time he had slept. He had been consumed with baking, baking, and baking some more. The air around him felt electric. Menchi hit him again.

“Rein in your aura for God’s sake!” She grumbled something about amateurs and lifted two baking sheets into the air, carrying them out of the kitchen.

.  


“Mmmthithothood,” Gon said, mouth full of a jelly tart. Killua cuffed him in the back of the head, exasperated.

“Swallow before you try to talk, idiot.”

Gon took a huge swallow and grinned. “This is really good, Killua. Like the best thing ever!” Gon winked at Killua and grinned wider as Killua automatically flushed. He felt his ears start to burn and cursed himself. Even years later he was still caught off-guard by the genuine enthusiasm and warmth Gon showered him with. “Th—thanks,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Leorio said, mouth also full of something. He was able to enunciate better than Gon, however, and managed to make intelligible sounds. “Who’d‘ve thought that a punk like you could make something so delicious.” He licked powdered sugar from his fingers and reached behind the counter for another madeline. 

“Yes, it’s really quite exquisite,” Kurapika said from the seat next Leorio’s. He was contemplating a petit four. “You balanced the flavors extremely well.” Killua managed to smile while elbowing Leorio away from the display.

"Are you ready?" Alluka called from next to the front doors. Killua took a deep breath and shrugged, trying to seem less nervous than he was. "Okay," she said, pushing the door and propping it open. The bell she had insisted on hanging on the door frame tinkled cheerfully. 

At first, there weren't many people. Killua spent most of the morning goofing off with Gon and Alluka and trying to see how many cream puffs Gon could fit in his mouth. (He could fit fourteen and when he tried to bite down, all the filling oozed out of his mouth and fell onto the floor). As the day wore on, more and more people came in, exclaiming over the displays and snapping photos of their plates. Before he knew it, Killua was bouncing over the tiny shop, so fast it seemed as if he was using  _kanmaru._  

As the sun set and Alluka flipped over the sign from _open_ to  _closed_ , Killua was wrestling the last person through the doors. “We’re closed now,” he grunted against the man’s back. “Come—back—later.”

“But I haven’t tried the lemon squares,” the man whined, twisting to reach through the doors at the cakes.

“Dude, seriously,” Killua said and put a _little_ extra strength in his push. The man almost flew down the sidewalk. Killua locked the doors behind him with a relieved sigh. He flipped the main shop's lights out, leaving only those behind the counter on so he could finish cleaning. But first, he needed to sit. Killua walked back to the front, sinking down on a bar stool. He flopped onto the counter, groaning. Gon laughed softly from nearby.

Alluka yawned, rubbing her eyes. "I'm tired, I'm going to sleep, onii-chan." 

"Okay," he said, head still on the counter. He heard Nanika call goodnight to him as Alluka disappeared up the stairs. Killua shook his head, sitting up. Gon was behind the counter, getting started on the mountain of dishes in the sink.

The pastry shop— _his_ pastry shop—was quiet. Gon had plugged his phone into the speaker system. Soft, melodic guitar replaced the cheery pop playlist Alluka had made for him. Killua turned in his seat to look out at the street. He saw his own reflection instead, the soft lighting making it hard to see beyond. The shop's light blue walls, the rows and rows of cakes and cookies, Gon moving behind him, and Killua himself, sitting perfectly still in the middle of of it. 

He continued to stare, occasionally catching a glimpse of the world beyond. The window seemed to ripple and bend as people walked by, warping the light from the street lamps. A couple holding hands, someone holding a steaming drink close, and a few teenagers running and laughing. Finally, there was no one. It hit Killua then, as he was looking at the window, that somehow he had ended up _here._

He was so far from the darkness of his childhood. He was here. Warm, safe, _happy_ . His hands, perpetually covered with blood and filth, finally seemed clean; they were finally his own, cut away from puppet strings. Killua marveled again. If only he could have known when he was a child, how different everything would be.

He smiled and turned away from his reflection—back to the shop, the warm lights, gentle music, and Gon.

“Thanks,” he said, ostensibly about the dishes, but he knew Gon would understand.

He did.

“Happy Birthday, Killua."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, my boy is happy and I won't hear another word about it!
> 
>    
> (also it's called First Slice - Leorio likes to joke that it's so good it'll _kill_ you. Eyy)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sibling reconciliation (?) and awkward Killua

_25._

Killua was sitting in his office (really a small room in the back with a table and chair crammed into it). The door opened, hitting the folding chair in front of it. Killua took a deep breath to steady himself as a familiar kimono-clad arm reached around the door to push the chair out of the way. He stayed seated, but made no effort to help Kalluto.

Kalluto gave him a sort of death glare as he straightened his kimono, but quickly returned to his usual stone-faced expression. Killua nodded shortly for him to sit down. The air was tense, neither wanted to speak first. The hustle and bustle of _First Slice’s_ kitchen could be heard through the door. Killua internally smirked, knowing how distasteful Kalluto must have found walking through such chaos. Killua stared, impassively, at Kalluto from across his desk.

Kalluto broke the silence first, thereby conceding some kind of victory to Killua: “Mama and Papa say you don’t need to come home anymore. You’re no longer fit to be heir of the Zoldyck family.”

Killua blinked and then started laughing harshly. Ten years had made him forget the pure absurdity of his family. He said the first thing that came to him. “It took them this long to realize that? It wasn’t when I stabbed mom in the face and ran away from home?” 

Kalluto’s lips pursed, but his expression returned to neutral. “I have been named the new heir,” he continued as if Killua hadn’t spoken.  

“Oh,” he said, bringing his hands together, genuinely surprised. “I hadn’t realized. Congratulations, Kalluto.” Killua’s mind began to work at lightning speeds. If he wasn’t to be the heir, that left Kalluto and… 

“Nii-san is currently indisposed,” Kalluto said, as if he knew where Killua's mind was. His face was stiff, rigid. _Indisposed?_ Indisposed could mean many things. But for the family succession to pass Illumi in favor of Kalluto, indisposed more or less meant _dead._

“He’s alive,” Kalluto said, once again answering Killua’s unspoken question. Kalluto seemed to reach his limit and stood up abruptly. He rearranged his kimono so it fell to the floor in an elegant cascade. “That is all,” he said.

Killua blinked, unable to muster an appropriate response.” Thank you, Kalluto,” he said, reaching out to shake Kalluto’s hand. It was an awkward gesture. Killua was certainly confused where it had come from, but it felt wrong to let his brother leave with nothing. Kalluto gave Killua a look as if his hand was poison and did the sensible thing and ignored him. 

Killua laughed quietly, genuinely. “Good choice,” he tried to joke. Kalluto looked at him. His stoic expression seemed to fall away for a moment. There was something wavering, uncertain in Kalluto’s pink eyes as he stared at Killua.

“I miss you, Nii-san,” he said quietly. Before Killua had even totally processed the meaning of his words, Kalluto was at the door. Lucky for Killua, he was still fast, faster than Kalluto and jumped over his desk to catch Kalluto’s hand. Killua felt a sudden surge of regret and sadness as he looked at Kalluto’s small back. What a terrible brother he was, abandoning his younger siblings for so long.

“I’m sorry, Kalluto. I didn’t mean for you to get caught between me and mom and dad. If you want, please come back. I would love to see you.” He gave his hand a squeeze.

Kalluto nodded once with his back still to him and disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a whole chapter about Killua, Alluka, and Kalluto bonding, but it didn't make the cut (the time cut). I might post it later though.


	15. Chapter 15

_30._

Killua’s fingers brushed the the looping gold calligraphy on the invitation he had finally opened. The envelope had sat on his coffee table for months. He had thrown books, magazines, and newspapers over it. Every time Gon cleaned or he tore up the apartment looking for whatever he had lost, it resurfaced. Gold ink shimmering constantly in the corner of his eye.

Of course, he already knew about the wedding. Had planned just about the entire damn thing. But it was still a shock to see physical proof of it (not that the never-ending bills weren’t enough proof). His baby sisters, getting married. Killua shook his head and dropped the card on the coffee table along with the envelope.

_“With great joy, we invite you to share the happiness of Alluka Zoldyck & Zushi Ito” _

 

.

 

Killua looked down the hall to the bathroom. The door was open, spilling yellow light across the carpet. He could hear Gon humming to himself. “Gon, are you ready?” he called, adjusting his tie. “We have to go. They’ll will kill us if we’re late.”

“Mhm, almost done!” Gon called back. A moment later, Gon walked out, dressed in a bright green tux. Killua rolled his eyes. Even after all these years, Gon couldn’t let go of the childish color. He let his eyes wander over his figure. Gon looked _fantastic._ The suit was tailored perfectly and showed off his broad chest and trim waist. Killua reached out, running his hands gently over the lapels of Gon’s suit.

“You look good,” he said, smiling.

“Not as good you,” Gon said immediately, catching Killua’s hands. He held them to his face and smiled, closing his eyes. Killua couldn’t help but blush and pinched Gon’s cheeks to hide his embarrassment.

Gon laughed. “Let’s go,” he said.

 

.

Killua knocked on the dressing room door gently.

“Come in,” Alluka’s voice called. Killua poked his head through the open door, hand over his eyes in case she was still changing. “It’s okay, you can look, onii-chan,” she giggled. Killua lowered his hand and gasped. Alluka was sitting at the dressing table, her loveliness reflected twofold. She sat tall and elegant, beaming with happiness. Killua’s throat closed involuntarily and his eyes started to fill with tears. He wiped them away with the back of his hand impatiently. He had promised himself he wouldn’t cry until the actual wedding.

“Aww, onii-chan, don’t cry,” Alluka said. She picked up her skirts and rushed over to him. Alluka held Killua’s hands, smiling indulgently at him. He took her in. She was wearing a sweet off-white mermaid dress that was a perfect fit for her soft curves. Layers and layers of organza ruffles added depth and style. The bodice was covered with hours of painstaking handiwork. The same work was reflected in the nearly twelve foot veil cascading from the top of her head. Killua caught the edge of her veil in his hands, running his fingers along the tiny pearls and stitching.

“You look beautiful, Alluka,” he said before his throat tightened with emotion again. Alluka hugged him, surrounding him with soft waves of tulle.

“Thank you, onii-chan.” The air shifted and he knew Nanika had come out. Killua looked up, smiling. Alluka had chosen the dress and hairstyle with Nanika’s approval as well. The simple make-up made Nanika’s face shine. Killua held her face gently in his hands and kissed her pink cheeks.

“You look beautiful, Nanika. What a lucky brother I am.”

Nanika giggled. “Thanks, Killua,” she said. She reached up to hold his hands too. “Can Killua help,” she asked, pointing to a set of sapphire and pearl earrings on the counter.

“Of course,” Killua said. They walked back over to the dresser where Nanika sat, eager and alert, as Killua gently threaded the earring into her ears. His fingers brushed over a new piercing in the top of her left ear with surprise.

“When did you get this?” he asked, somewhat sternly.

Nanika covered her mouth with a hand and giggled. “Secret,” she said.

“Secret?” Killua asked. “Since when do you guys have secrets from me?” Nanika just shrugged enigmatically and Killua sighed. It was hard, watching your sisters get older. “Well,” he said. “It’s very pretty.”

“Thank you, Killua.” Nanika turned towards Killua so she was looking at him directly instead of reflected in the mirror. Her black eyes were steady, serious. “Thank you for everything.”

 _Damnit_ , he was going to cry again. Killua hugged her as tight as he could. “You never have to thank me, Nanika, it’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“Just accept it,” Alluka’s annoyed voice came from his arms. “I never understood your weirdo saying. Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Alluka said emphatically, squeezing Killua tight.

Killua smiled. “Okay, jeez, you guys are bossy.” He glanced at his watch. “Time to go.” Alluka’s blue eyes widened and she jumped up, rushing to grab her shoes.

“Damnit,” she muttered as she tried to bend over to pick them up. “Why’d we get such a tight dress?”

Killua watched her with an equal rush of fondness and sadness. It felt like a bereavement, watching his sisters be so excited for someone else. However, it was for this freedom that Killua worked so hard to protect them. In reality, all his wildest dreams had come true. Alluka and Nanika knew this, which was why they had held their wedding day on Killua’s birthday. They could give him no greater gift: their happiness. Smiling, he walked over and helped her put on her shoes and then offered his arm to her, before they walked out together.

 

.

 

As anyone could have guessed, Killua cried through the entire wedding. Big, fat tears as he walked Alluka and Nanika down the aisle. He finally had to step out after the first dance. He leaned against the stone wall and took a few deep breaths of the cool summer air. A bench sat in the garden not too far away from him and he sat down gratefully. Gon appeared at his shoulder soon after. He sat next to Killua and offered him a glass of water.

“I was afraid you might pass out with how much water you lost crying, Killua,” he said, watching Killua drink. Killua coughed, water dribbling down his chin.

“Excuse me?” he said. He coughed again and wiped the water from his face. Gon bit his lip, trying not to laugh. He instead, took Killua’s hand in his own. The breeze rustled through the trees, muffling the sounds of the party inside. They sat in silence, watching from their secluded spot in the garden.

Alluka and Zushi were dancing in the middle—or rather Alluka was dancing while Zushi awkwardly bobbed with her. Knuckle blazed a path with Meleoron through the middle of the room in a dramatic waltz. Killua smiled, unsure of when they had forged such a eccentric friendship. He was also pleased to see Leorio and Kurapika stiffly revolving on the spot.

The breeze carried the scent of rich earth and flowers to them. Killua breathed it in deeply, filling his lungs with the wonderful scent. His whole body relaxed. Gon was watching him, an unreadable look on his face.

“What?” Killua asked, setting his glass down on the bench.

“Wanna get married?” he asked, grinning.

“What?” Killua yelped. He stood up, pulling his hand out of Gon’s grasp, and stared at Gon. “What the fuck are you talking about? We talked about this and decided it was for the best—and—and—” He trailed off. Gon was laughing, eyes closed, crinkling at the corners.

“I know, Killua. I just wanted to see if you’d cry this much at _our_ wedding.” Gon said this easily, as if it wouldn’t make Killua’s heart near explode with butterflies and irritation.

“Dumbass, I’m not going to cry one bit!”

Gon laughed again, throwing his head back. “You want to bet?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys haven't realized that this was just an elaborate excuse to write a self-indulgent fluff-fest for my favorite child, well, now you know lol :P


	16. Chapter 16

_ 31. _

 

Killua cried so much, he couldn’t finish his vows. 


	17. Chapter 17

_45._

Killua stuffed another shirt in his backpack before zipping it hurriedly. Gon was waiting for him in the doorway of their bedroom. He was bouncing on his feet, almost vibrating with excitement. Killua grinned, putting his arms through the straps.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he said to try and placate him. He knew how much effort it was costing Gon not to whine at him. Killua gave himself a pat-down, ensuring that everything that was supposed to be there was. He gave Gon a thumbs-up, but Gon was already down the hall and at their front door. Killua followed quickly. He could feel it, the electric spark of traveling, of _adventure_  making the hair on his arms stand up _._  

It was past due. That insistent feeling, desire, _itch_ to see new things, meet new people, maybe discover another international conspiracy (Alluka said it was because they were adrenaline junkies). Whatever it was, Killua finally threw his hands up in the air one day after explaining that ' _No_ _, a free sample wasn't the whole damn store_.' 

 _"Fuck it,"_ he had said to Gon. _“Let’s get out of here.”_

And that was that.

Killua locked the door and they walked out of their apartment together to the dock. First stop: Whale Island, to see Mito, to go home, their first true home. After that, who knew?  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it was so much fun writing this! In classic fashion, I procrastinated until the last minute, but I think it turned out respectable. 
> 
> Hopefully you guys enjoyed it! I just want Killua to be happy, loved, and fulfilled dammit! I originally wanted to go to 100 and have Gon be the cranky, eccentric chairman we deserve, but it was already 10k words, so that'll be for another time (maybe lol).

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the tumblr thing: [montgomery-rain](http://montgomery-rain.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [Playlist for fic](https://open.spotify.com/user/mrtrswlb6s336b8u81m9s1red/playlist/27pdt0NOlAGkkYcnoIRG56?si=z_ZT4zfOQYSSZCmRqA2SRw)


End file.
